Sleepless In Jakarta

I sometimes hate myself. No, I’m not emo, I don’t cut myself, I don’t wear all black and anything people think of as emo. It’s just why am I someone I don’t want to be right now. I can’t be someone who I want to be in the right time. It”s always this boring self, always this blank and insecure bitch. I see the same bleary self in the mirror every morning, dragging my eye lids to open desperately. Those dark circles under my eyes, those scars, those eyes. Those eyes. Damaged. I can’t see a thing without my contact lenses or my glasses. I actually have forgotten where I put my glasses so I rely on my contacts now. It sucks.

I hate wearing glasses, they’re heavy. I used and should still be wearing strongly prescripted glasses because of my old eyes. My god, old eyes. That makes me feel old. Makes me think that I see the world in old people’s view. That doesn’t make any sense at all, but what the heck, why should I or you care? Sometimes I dream of myself turning blind. Again, it sucks. Some other times, I dream of myself dead. Rarely I dream of myself being disowned by my family. I wake up most times breathless and gasping with tears rolling down my cheeks. I don’t sob, I don’t make a sound except for the gasp.

That’s when I usually hope for someone to be next to me, to comfort me. I look around hoping someone I know would be there for me. But no. No one. Darkness. Loneliness. Emptiness. And then I usually try to get back to sleep. I fall asleep easily so I drift away quick into the darkness, but this continued sleep doesn’t bring me any dreams. I’d rather have empty dreams than nightmares. I’d rather feel nothing than feel these hurtful things.

Why I am writing these things is that I doubt anyone would listen to my fears. I’m not a strong person, I cry easily, though I actually don’t show people that because I don’t want them to see that I’m weak. I’m afraid they would push me away if I tell them these things too much. I’m just scared. I’m not a socially excellent person. I don’t have that many friends. A few close ones, yeah, but not a lot.

In conclusion : I feel so shit right now. Bye.